help

Adapted from an email to Adde (he’s been mentioned anonymously once so far, and tonight he gets a name).

i feel like i’m fucking coming apart sometimes. this whole being cheated on thing has messed me up a little deeper than i’d like to admit. and i catch myself trying to entice the bastard back. it’s a stupid game, and he plays it better and it’s so unhealthy for me. but i keep forgetting to stop. i used to be better than this. i’m so determined to win, to pound him into the ground and leave him a total wreck.

hmmph. easy to talk hard. but it’s not even what i’m really after. i miss how he feels. i miss lying quietly against him. god, if only it was as simple as having him tell me that he’s sorry, that i was something a little more than a throwaway — if i could believe him if he actually said all that.

it’s… not just this. there’s work too, and i’m wondering how i trapped myself in a job that leaves me hollow. i think i need — just for a little while — comfort, familiarity, certainty, security. of all things, security. you know, so i’ll recover the strength to get what i want out of the corporate monkey thing and the poly thing. i feel jumpy and paranoid. anything that was already in a delicate state is in disarray now.

ugh. i really do miss being invincible.

That’s why I turn to my older man. Always seem to recover some of my invincibility with him.