Waiting to exhale

I’m holding still. It’s no longer because I’m afraid I’ll be swept up and away by the fear and the hurt. The appalling brick-in-the-stomach feeling is gone. So is the anger and the indignation. I don’t get the yearning though, or why it remains. It hadn’t been there before. Guess it fucks things up to learn you’ve been cheated on.

And I haven’t untangled it, whether he’s the first person I need assurance from or — given that it should come from someone you trust — the last.

I’m holding still because I’m all I have right now. That’s not self-pity, but self-assurance. Being my own pillar of strength ain’t so bad. So I’m saving my energy. Self-discipline silences the drama. Not my style anyway. I’m taking this at my own pace, so I’ll need the endurance.

I wish it didn’t matter so much. But every now and then, it hurts just enough. The things I said, such foolishness. The things he said, such lies. Every other thought preceded by “I can’t believe — “.

I hate the aftertaste of distrust, and not just of him. What about the others? Khui? And was Loup making it all up so that he could be sure I wouldn’t go back to Gar after he left the country? For a while, too many possibilities. Lost again. Yet, in the moment of confrontation, and of confirmation, only clarity and control.

So it was you, Gar.

But the clarity soon fades. It just doesn’t make sense. I’m pretty damn sure I didn’t care this much after the breakup. I was moving on, easily and successfully. And then this.

He doesn’t count for that much! Maybe my ego does, and she’s the one who’s taken the bruising and needs the loving. But I’m refusing to fall into that trap. I don’t want a surrogate.

At the same time, I’m playing that role (articulated, discussed, consciously adopted) to a dear friend who’s been caught in something similar. Healing can be found in so many ways.

As for me, I’m single. Not available, though still approachable. But mostly just single. I remember the last time I was here, following the end of my 5-year-relationship, before my unforgettable fling with Khui. I felt like I was about to take a leap off a plateau, assured that I’d find a pair of wings on the way down. I could hardly hold still.

But now, I do. I can only go so far on one breath.