Excuses

Wow, is that really how long I’ve been away?

First excuse: I started a new job. I have to get up about 3 hours earlier than I’m used to, and I now have to get a ride back from the city center in KL’s notorious evening rush hour traffic. Given that even my Baroque schedule has been compromised, blogging has been out of the picture for a while.

Second excuse: Loup has been “leaving next week” for the past month and a half. A string of broken promises at his workplace have left him desperately scrambling for money just to buy his plane ticket out. With him spending a lot of time at my place (the one that I share with my parents), the pressure of managing my relationship with my parents and my relationship with Loup has created some friction. We communicate a lot, but not always well. I’ve fought more with him than anyone, and found myself closer to him than — almost — anyone. With so little time left (neither of us can say for sure when he’s leaving), I’ve chosen to spend my time experiencing rather than documenting.

Third excuse: I caught a common, treatable, uncomplicated STD which, unfortunately, means that I now have to play an infuriating balancing game. I’m receiving treatment on the sly so that I can keep it a secret from my mum, but that means coming up with stories about where I am and who I’m with. And because my medical insurance doesn’t cover women’s health, I’ve had to worry about paying the doctors’ bills. It doesn’t cost a lot, but my previous job was at a startup that was withholding salaries. So a little out of nothing is a lot. Needless to say, I had to ply my mum with some white lies about why I was asking for spending money a little more frequently than usual. I can’t afford not to get treatment. In the end, the money issue was a big push in my decision to leave my beloved startup for something more established.

And Gar? We haven’t seen much of each other because of my new work schedule. We had a fight online while I was at work. He said that Loup’s ex (at Baroque) had mentioned he was seeing someone new, and Gar wanted to know if it was me. Both Loup and I have had our taste of the Baroque grapevine, and I’m very wary of feeding anything into it. I just don’t know if I can trust Gar to keep our conversations to himself. Gar accused me of rescinding the openness that I had earlier demanded of him. Earlier, when we were in the relationship that never was? Too little, too late, Gar.

He apologized profusely a few hours later, but I was done. I told him we could remain friends – ostensibly his objective – on the condition that we never again talked about relationship stuff. I’m surprised he agreed. It freed me from the unending barrage of questions about Loup, the uncommunicative play that Gar and I found ourselves falling into, and the second-guessing afterward.

I know I haven’t written much about Loup — still the mystery. I do have a post in the works… More soon, I hope.